Sebastian

I came to you
But don’t know why

And you looked
At me that way

I held you in
Accepting arms
And you
Melted

I talked to you
You shared your secrets
Already knowing
Mine.

And when I left
You cried and cried

And a part of my heart
Was broken.

Nothing

Loving you means…

Lifting you up
Not dragging you down

It means showing you the light
Not living in the dark

Trepidation
Fear
Uncertainty

It’s all I have to offer

I think some days
We could be perfect

Forever real
Neverending

You stand before me
Like a mirror

And make me wonder
Who I am

And your sweet kiss
Awakens my soul

And your eyes
Pierce my heart
Like Cupid

Is it okay
That we are fumbled?

A jumbled mess
Forever lost?

Can we find the way
Together?
Or shall we be separately
Hidden?

I lay down and think of you
How I wish you were here

I know too much
About me and you

But pretend I know

Nothing.

imperfect

It’s funny how
far away
you can get
from yourself

so much so that
you are
unrecognizable
in the mirror

you let them
mold you
into what
they want
you to be

let them tell
you who
you are

and you go
along

maybe because
you’re tired
maybe because
you’re insecure

maybe because
they stopped
looking at
you

and then one
Saturday
someone stops
it all

pushes pause
on the movie
of your
life

stops you
looks at you
and says
yes, this will do

I always knew
I was special
always knew
I was beautiful

never knew
anyone really
noticed

and to know you
see this in me
lets me know
there’s so much
in you

real and raw
it feels so
right

to be
imperfect
in your arms.

lover's afternoon

there’s a pool of sweat
between your heart
and mine
remnants from
the love me made
and the lawn mower
buzzes
outside the window
yet the world is so
far away
the dog barks
and steals the peace
of a lover’s afternoon
and the clock ticks
the minutes away
soon the world
will be closer
but now the rain
begins to fall
hushing the dogs and
the gardeners
so we retreat
back to the peace
the world can wait

for tomorrow.

My Guardian Angel

She had an air about her
Some mystery unknown
And everyone wanted to
Touch her
But no one could reach her

She stood so high above
Us all
And we loved her
Like no one could love her
I, most of all

And we secretly
Wondered
What it would be like
To hold her close
Safe from harm
To be the one to save her
From whatever it was
She was running from

And I swear, one time
Our eyes met
And for a moment
The moment was real
Infinite, Eternal
But then it was gone

I long to return someday
To that moment in time
When all the world stood
Quiet and still
And she was the only one

Who Existed.

Ani

If I could, I’d say it like Ani
Bold and cold with force
No fears
Look you in the eye
No tears
But I am too timid
I am too shy
I am still too weak
I cry
For someone to hold me
For someone to mold me
Into something I want to be
Because I can’t remember who I am
And the cold wind slaps my face
As I try to run this race
But I fall behind every time
I can see the finish line
But I can’t reach it
You have to help me
I can’t help myself
I want to scream
Forget the dream
When you and I were together
In love that lasts forever
That was bullshit
I stop and sit
I refuse to run anymore
What would Ani do
when colors fade away?
I can hear her turn and say
Get your ass up girl
The world ain’t black and white
But a 1,000 shades of grey
And you ain’t giving up
You are going all the way
‘Cause all you got is yourself
And the dreams that wake you
Let your own feet take you
And she’d be right
I stand and fight
The wind, the rain
This haunting pain
In my feet, how sweet

To cross the finish line.

The me and you of it...

painting by Kazuya Akimoto



This is the me
and the you
of it

An entanglement
of souls
haphazardly
making our
way through
a fucked up
world

This is the truth
and the heart
of it

The feeling that
you are
alone and
misunderstood
left yourself
in a deep black
hole

This is the strange
and the bizarre
of it

That life keeps
presenting
it’s mystery
keeps you guessing
the rules of the
game

It can be what you want
it to be
It can be what you need
it to be

But only once
to examining eyes
can it ever be
exactly
what it is.

Dimensions

You are amazing
And I know everything
About you
Even the things you
Haven’t told me
The things you are
Sure I do not know.

And to say that
I don’t feel
When I have felt it
All
Looking at you
Touching you
Being in your
Arms.

It seems so easy
So simple
To live like a
Child in
Wonder…

But I have long
Lost that luxury
Like my innocence
It is gone.

Replaced by something
Different
Perhaps more
Profound

Another dimension
Yet unknown
Real as any
Other

I can not paint the
Picture because
I don’t yet know it’s
Colors

I can not write the
Words because
I don’t yet know the
Song.

I thought that it just
Existed
Never realized how it must
Evolve

To be
To become
To live and
To learn.

That is stepping
Out of the shadows
And like a flower
Accepting the Sun.

The Hours

The workings of your mind
Amaze me
The way they twist and
Turn

Connections made
The neurons fire
Life…
An action potential

But there
Underneath the
Wheels
Is a gently beating
Heart

Asking to be
Held
Asking to be
Understood.

I understand.

You think so
Much
Don’t think it all
Away

You’ll miss the
Seconds,
Minutes,
The moments…

You’ll miss the

Hours.

It just is.

The faces of people come and go
Like the moon at the end of night
How you forget that it is there
Until you see it once again

And there is something so
Familiar
As if you were the moon

And I see you and
Suddenly
I Know.

What is this misunderstanding
In such a moment of clarity?

Like an abstract picture
So foreign
Then at once
So moving.

I’m lost at what you
do to me
I’m lost at who you
are.

But I feel your heart
beating.
And I feel the warmth
of your tender stare…

And what I would give
To let you know
The ways in which I love you…

It’s not what you think
There is no understanding

It is not the past
or the present
or the future…

It just is.

Something so innocent...

something so innocent as a
childish crush
at once becomes the
deepest longing
your world beyond
windows with
long white drapes like
heaven
and i dance…
but i cannot hear the tune
that is playing
on a piano with no keys
look at me from across
the room
here i am at my table
looking at you
but what do you see
when you look at me and i
am looking…
so young is my spirit
so young is my soul
so young to still think that
i can have anything
and you are everything,
i swear it
but i am nothing
just a girl who is funny
perhaps a trip for your ego
or maybe you don’t know how
i think of you
between these cups of coffee.

another one from the archives

The Tide

Photograph by Clark Little

Crashing in
Rushing out
Like the tide
You come and
go

And like the
steady sand
I wait
quiet and
inviting

Shining light
Then burning
out
I absorbed
too much
of you

And you were left
dark and dry
and I was left
alone.

I’m missing you
tonight
like I did
when you
were here

And I hope
you’ll come
crashing back
to the steady
shore.

There is a
place
where lights
burn bright
reflecting
from the
water

And there is a
place
where the
shore awaits
the calming
of the

tide.

The Night Comes

A poem I pulled out from the archives...despite by blog name, occassionally I do feel the need to rhyme.

The night comes once again
Bringing with it thoughts of you
And every star holds your smile
Your whisper in the wind
The moon reflecting from your eyes
The stillness of our last goodbye

I close my eyes to make it last
And dream myself to sleep
And if you knew the things I’d give
To dance with you tonight

If only the stars could hold me
If only the moon could see
If only the wind could sing to me
In the stillness I’d be free

Tomorrow awaits the morning
The moon and stars have gone
And all that’s left is the memory
Of the night wind and her song

Sing to me your passion
Sing to me your pain
Sing to me your sunshine
And afternoons of rain

I’ll give you what I have
My arms to hold you tight
And when the moon comes up
The stars come out
You’ll give to me the night.

So what IS the meaning of life anyway: Part 2

In my last blog I posed the question, “What is the meaning of life?” The same question is on my profile. I thought it only fitting to devote a blog to the answer, at least MY answer. Each of us has a different answer and they fall across a beautiful spectrum, sometimes known, sometimes not, sometimes merely waiting for us to find it.

I had searched many years for that answer, as if it would just present itself one day. I found that it is not the answer that need be sought, but the question. It’s was not ‘the meaning of life,’ it was ‘the meaning of my life’ that needed to be asked. I remember the day I posed that question to myself and suddenly realized there were no gods who were going to magically speak, there was no sign that would appear, the answer was not in a book somewhere. After that question and the series of reflections that subsequently followed, I found my world turned upside down and I was, for the second time in my life, haphazardly wandering my way through musty college halls in search for my own purpose.

I had no idea what I would do or who I would be when I decided to go back to school. I had no real action plan, no definitive course. I only knew I loved psychology and would hope to find something there—some calling I had not yet heard. To make a long journey short, I finally stumbled onto my path. I wish I could say it all happened more eloquently than that—that I had a dream and made it happen—but the truth is, I did not find the answer to my calling. It found me.

I am a Special Education Teacher. This year is my third year teaching. My educational background is in Autism Spectrum Disorders but I have taught children with a wide diversity of disabilities. I teach in a self-contained classroom, which means that my kids are not capable of participating in the general curriculum but need extensive one and one supervision and assistance. My kids range from moderately to profoundly intellectually disabled. I teach kids who are 9-12 years of age, some are in wheel chairs, some are not; some can use the bathroom independently and some are still in diapers. Some can eat and others are tube fed. Some speak and others are completely non-verbal.

It was not something I ever imagined I would do. Now I know it is what I came here to do. People tell me all the time, “I don’t know how you do it,” or “it takes a special person to do what you do.” And the truth is, I never knew that I could do it. Now, I can’t imagine my life without these children. I feel a strong sense that we were meant to be together, these children and me. When I first began teaching I was terrified and I did not know if I would have the strength or the patience to do it. I did not know if I would have the stomach or the guts to do it. But something happened to me when I saw their little faces, held their little hands. I knew almost instantly that this is where I belong. If in my life I have no money, no great success—if I have no love or personal happiness, I will have no regrets nor feel any sorrow because I know who it is that I was meant to be.

It has not been an easy journey for me and the path I follow is constantly spitting up dirt in my face. There are daily challenges, tests of willpower, holding tightly to threads of patience. For laughable pay, I am asked to do things that so many will not. But as these beautiful children are my champions, so must I be a champion for them. We need each other and at last, we have found each other.

If you feel like you are not living your own life’s purpose, don’t be afraid to seek the answer to your meaning. Don’t feel as if you need to have a plan or a direction before you set upon your journey. Just go out there and follow what feels right and trust in yourself. You will find your path.

“I took the road less traveled and it has made all the difference.”
~ Robert Frost

A poem for my kids….

Sweet innocence
never lost
your life
you live
in
moments.

No dreams
to disappoint
you
no memories
of
regret.

People think
it such a
shame
how little
do they
know.

With every
smile
and every
hug
with every
sound of
laughter

You lift
me up
you give
me reason
that my
life has a
meaning.

I was on
a winding
road
heading
nowhere
fast.

Then I
found you
You took
my hand
together
forever
at last.

So what IS the meaning of life, anyway?

“The first questions are still to be asked. Let any man bestow a thought on himself, how he came hither, and wither he tends, and he will find that all the literature, all the philosophy that is on record, have done little to dull the edge of inquiry.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The thought came upon me after asking a friend, in jest, “What is the meaning of life?” I never suspected she’d answer it, let alone with such raw honesty and it occurred to me in that moment that I, myself, had stopped asking myself that very important question. Life, or circumstance, had quelled my desire to know. As I approached my thirties, I became more practical, a reflection of my environment. Such questions were merely entertainment to accompany the Friday night bottle of wine after “game night” with friends. But after those summer night patio conversations, Monday always came and those questions were left at the bottom of that bottle and so too was my thirst for truth.

And then something tragic, yet miraculous happened, of which I, at the time, could make no sense of. My world turned completely upside down. Everything that was right was wrong, everything good was bad, everything black was white. My own happiness, I discovered, was my very misery.

How could I have lost my own consciousness?

And so here I am…trying to get it back. I want to think about it--all of it—not just the easy questions but the hard ones too. I want to be aware of the life I’m living. I want be aware of who I am. I want to be aware of all that surrounds me. To me, that is the meaning of life…to question, to answer…to feel with the senses nature gave us…to be conscious of our own divinity.

But we can never be conscious alone. Our very reality is dependent on those around us. Energy flows…it is the nature of it to do so. Energy comes in and energy goes out—it is recyclable. The energy that stays with us becomes our truth. But it is not always the right truth—only the heart and soul knows for sure. It is in consciousness and awareness of self that the heart and soul lives. And only in that consciousness can real truth be found.

The same friend who answered my question of the “meaning of life” also confirmed for me that this is, indeed, an important question and is worthy of discussion. So, I open the floor to all of you, to ask your questions and to share the truths that you have found. What is the meaning of YOUR life? What questions do YOU have? I believe we discover life through the questions and discover ourselves through the answers. However trivial the question be, it is worthy of asking. However unsure the answer be, it is worthy of answering.

Out of nothingness you came
Like a crazy notion
A distant thought
I entertained
And you had something to tell me
Something to say
A message I was not looking
To hear
But there was truth to your
Voice
Wonder in your eyes
A brilliance in your
Heart
So I listened.
And my mind raced
And my senses awoke
And my palms were wet
With anticipation
Here I was—here I am
Newly born to intuition
And there you are—there you stand
With all the questions answered
What is the Truth?
And how can you know?
So confident in your decision
The day is short
The journey is long
And God is only a vision
So what do you see
When it’s just you and me
And how do you

Argue with reason?

Being You

The painting on the wall is so familiar
Yet I stand looking in awe as if I’ve never
Seen such beauty before.

And maybe it’s just that it came from you
But it moved me as I was looking
Made me wish that I could stand inside your head
As you were painting.

To know what you were thinking,
To feel what you were feeling,
To see what you saw from the first
Stroke of your brush…

You are a wonder to me
And you confuse me
Your simplicity,
Your complexity;
Your wonder and
Your depth.

And just when I think I know
Who you are
You surprise me
By being you.

~ 2008

I'm at the bar

I’m at the bar
waiting for my drink
Amaretto Stone Sour
without the cherry
the straw is thin
the ice is cold
the glass is sweating
beads of crystal clear
wetness trickle down
you are near me
near enough to touch
and so I do
with my body
I press against you
your crooked smile
and see-through stare
give me an invitation
to dance
we move, entangled
like the smoke from my
cigarette
I can feel your heart
beating while mine
I feel breaking
like the glass
that holds my drink
I’m shattered in pieces
left on the floor
for you to collect and
repair.

and the Oscar goes to...

It's that time of year again...time for the Oscars! Having been a movie buff all my life, the Oscars were always an "event" for me. Although I'm disappointed to admit that I have not followed movies as much in the past few years, I still try to see as many Oscar nominated films as my schedule will allow, if not BEFORE the big night, sometime after.

I have only seen Dark Knight so far this year and I am feeling Heath Ledger for the win. Meryl Streep nominated again? What is this, her 112th Oscar nod? She deserves it but Kate will take it tonight. My guess for Best Actor goes to Mickey Rourke and I think Amy Adams will take Best Supporting Actress...PLEASE don't give it to Penelope Cruz...she does NOT need the encouragement! And Best Picture goes to Slumdog Millionaire. Either way, I will be waiting anxiously for all the films to come out on DVD then I will curl up on the couch with popcorn and my cats and escape in the wonders of Hollywood!

In honor of the Oscars, here are my personal TOP 10 Best of the Best Picture Winners:

10. Ben Hur (1959)

9. The English Patient (1996)

8. Rain Man (1988)

7. The Sound of Music (1975)
6. Terms of Endearment (1983)
5. Schindler's List (1993)
4. Silence of the Lambs (1991)
3. Chicago (2002)
2. Million Dollar Baby (2004)
1. American Beauty (1999)

And the 'best movies that never won but should have' goes to....

Life is Beautiful OR Traffic (1998) instead 'Shakespeare in Love' won
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (1967)

Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf? (1966)

To Have Held You Like That...

To have held you like I did
And to feel what I felt
In that moment

The intensity of
Your touch--
The stillness
Of your heart

The love in
Your fingertips
The hold that would
Hold me forever...

Dream tonight
While I lie next to you
Dream tonight
Of better days

My arms wrap
Around you
And hold you
Oh so tight

And while you sleep
I dream...
Of being your
Only one...

Sooner or Later

Sooner or later on some perfect day
You will realize that you’ve left yourself behind –
Forgotten who you were,
Until a haircut or a brand new shirt
Reminds you of some deep inner passion
And suddenly the concern of being on time
Or having neatly pressed pants no longer matters
You want to be the life of the party
And the hostess at the same time
You want them to applaud you, worship you, admire you
But you soon realize that what you were is what you are

And you long to be held, securely fastened in gentle arms
Even if they must be your own.

written in 1993
with renewed meaning today

It falls so easily

It falls so easily sometimes –
the wall around me
I saw you once and my heart
stopped…
until I saw you that second time

you thought I could change your world
I knew you would change mine

We both changed

for the better,

for the worse

We faced the blows of
Insecurity
and tore the masks away;
We walked upon the glass
with blisters on our feet
and now we’re broken
the weak pieces made stronger
for only when the wall falls
can you stand beside me

And my wall has crumbled
in the face of your stare

stone upon stone upon stone
I am weak,
exposed,
unprotected

You step over the remaining stones
and reach for me
I touch your hand
and I, too, fall apart

weaker and weaker I have let myself be
and so stronger and stronger I’ve become

No more walls to be built

With you I am free.

Follow

The prick of your
Thorn
An ironic
Sensation—
Not the sharp
Pain I
Expected.

The slap of your
Tongue
An odd
Contemplation
And I am
Stunned by my
Silence.

The sway of your
Thought
How trite yet
Perplexing
And I am
Challenged to
Reason.

The presence of
You
A strange
Intersection
And I am left
Searching for
Answers.

The light in
You
A sign of
Direction
And all I
Can do is
Follow.

The fight in
Me
A will of
Conviction
And so I
Continue to
Question.

Mesmerized

I’m watching you from across the room
And I know you know
I’m watching…

I’m feeling you from the inside
And I know you know
What I’m feeling…

Connection
Energy

An imagined
Touch

Longing and
Waiting

And then your hand
Slips softly into mine
Fingers interlocking
Souls intertwined…

You are magical
Like the stars
And the fire

And I am mesmerized…

Hold my hand
Kiss my lips
And let me into
Your world…

I am me.

I’m not going to live long
But I will live fully

Today is my
Day
to Shine

There will be
no ever after

There will be no
setting sun

This is
my life
Today...


and it’s
Everything
I have to give

At night I see you

And I long for
Tomorrow

To hold you
To read you
To feel you
To sleep with you

Quietly

I am not what I seem
I am not what you think
I am…

I am more…

I am less…

I am me.

It's Not Comfortable

I don’t know what it is with me lately…maybe it’s the place I’m at right now, the result of the struggles I've been through or maybe it’s that I feel like I have nothing to lose…but I’ve been out of my element. I’ve been doing things I don’t normally do and reading things that I would not normally read. I’ve been asking questions that were never before asked.

And it’s not comfortable.

Normally, I would run the other way. Or better yet, I’d be defensive, argumentative, resistant. I’d fight any notion of change. I don’t like change. I’m 34 years old…it’s taken a lifetime to get to this point. I’ve wrestled with so many things, ideas, philosophies, truths and after the fight—you just watch and see where the dust settles—and that becomes your Belief. And after you have let that Belief form and take residence in your mind, and you talk about it and think about it...it becomes quite comfortable.

Until something, or someone shakes it all up. But then what do you do? Especially when the person who shook it all up feels just as comfortable as you.

We hold on so tight to that which we believe…sometimes to our own demise. Do we do this because we don’t want to be wrong? Or do we do this because we don’t want to be uncomfortable?

A close friend of mine compares life to walking along a path. I often think of my own path and what stands out to me is not always the destination but the scenery. The people, the beauty, the ideas that I encounter along that path. The things that I see are not always comfortable, but they are part of the journey. I don’t believe I will truly know the Truth until I reach the very end of that path. And maybe there is no end.

In the end, I’ve decided…I don’t want or need to be comfortable. I want to see life for what it is…for all of it. I want to let myself evolve and grow and learn because I have so much more life to live. So I choose to shake it up…let the dust fly around the room for awhile. Let the elements dance! It’s okay…there’s plenty of time for it to settle. I don’t want to walk the path in stillness. I want the wind to blow, the leaves to rustle, the rain to fall. Afterall, that’s what God put it there to do.





*** I just found this on my computer...written last January. But it still applies...

Lost or Undiscovered?

It begins with a thought
Like a seed it is planted
And grows to become
What Is.
Like a tree the
Branches grow
Overlapping and
Intersecting
A tangled sense of
Being.
To unravel the very
Path of it
Back to the very
Start of it
To the very thought that
Thought itself.
To have no explanation
To have no birth
Of reason
Is it to be lost
Or undiscovered?
And what am I
If I do not know
And must I know right
Now?
Or shall I wait
For time to tell
Or consciousness
To call?

The Coffeehouse

The Coffeehouse

The flame from a match
Seems bigger than me
And lingers longer
Than inspiration
When after a long day
The cold sets in
I go out searching
But always end up here
And I ask myself…
Why?

I pour my soul into an
Empty coffee cup
Watching my life pass by
Wishing I could catch the tail
Of some dream
But I wait, I tell myself
There’s always another ride…

And the stars in the sky
Melt together so that
I can’t even find one to
Call my own
But the night still
Comes to me
Through some cosmic will
And those stars still
Light up the sky
To offer hope

As long as there is still
Ink left in my pen,
Still napkins to write on
Still black coffee to
Keep me alive
Still your beauty to make
The time worthwhile
I will write…
I will search…
I will smile…
And I will find
Somewhere in the night
My star.