Rainbow

Is it even possible…

To chase and find

A rainbow?


After years

The colors fade

There’s no such thing

As luck.


In search of a

Four leaf clover

And only finding

Weeds…


I thought it once,

That it might be real

I thought it might

Be true.


I wished and wished

Upon a star

To find my wish

Fall silent.


But then you came

From beyond the road

The wind upon

Your back


And your Irish smile

Melted me

Stopped me in my

Tracks.


Here you are…

What to do?

How do I dare

Go forward?


After the rain

Appears the sun

And I find at last

Those colors.


3/30/2011

The Unheard Voices of Autism

April is Autism Awareness Month and though our knowledge of autism is greater as more attention is given, it remains a condition relatively misunderstood. We have learned about autism through the media, through parent testimonies and to a great extent, from those living with autism who are able to communicate their experience. Temple Grandin has given us much insight through her many books and public appearances. HBO produced a movie about her life, starring Claire Danes who brilliantly captured the heart and mind of Temple and gave us a moving insight into the life of a person with autism. Kim Peek, whose life inspired the movie “Rainman” has amazed people all over the country with his exceptionalities, as well as his struggles living in a neurotypical world. The television show, “Parenthood” features a young boy with Aspergers and although I haven’t been able to confirm it, the main character on Bones, Dr. Temperance Brennon, is clearly on the spectrum. The riveting novel, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime,” was written by a special education teacher about a boy with high functioning Autism. All of these stories, people and characters have helped spread awareness and paint a picture of the puzzle we call Autism.


But there are so many unheard voices. So many people with autism do not have the ability to share their experience because they are non-verbal. Many others have very limited verbal expression. Whether they can’t or won’t talk remains unknown, but nonetheless it is their reality and it is a cage they are unable to break free of. Because of their inability to communicate through language, we unfortunately may never know their reality.

Temple Grandin says, “I can remember the frustration of not being able to talk. I knew what I wanted to say, but I could not get the words out, so I would just scream.” As a special education teacher who currently teaches three students with autism, I can tell you how heart breaking it is to watch a child suffer with this inability to talk. And when it comes to can’t or won’t, I am more inclined to think it’s the former because I have watched these children try. I have a student now who tries so hard to tell me what she wants but just can’t seem to find the way. She understands that gestures like pointing are a means of communicating but she is not yet able to connect the gesture to the particular thing she wants. She may want a drink but point to food. She may want a book but ask for a toy. When we don’t understand, she screams and cries, throws herself on the floor in frustration. And all I can do is wish that I could jump inside her head and know. But I am left frustrated too, because I can’t.

We try every day as educators and parents to break through this language barrier. We often have to think outside the box. Amazing advances in technology have given us new tools to communicate but it’s not the universal answer, if there is such a thing. Annie Sullivan was a brilliant educator who found a way to reach Helen Keller. Helen was a child who could not hear, see or speak and yet Sullivan never gave up and on one day, at a well pump in the backyard she signed W-A-T-E-R in her hand und suddenly Keller made the connection. Once opened, we learned of the brilliance, wonder and compassion of this little girl’s mind. And it wasn’t because Helen learned how to communicate with us…it was because we learned how to communicate with her.

When we think about autism, we need to be mindful of the whole spectrum and not just those who can speak and share their experience. There are so many unheard voices who want to tell us their story but just don’t know how. We need to find the way to help them talk to us. If we can unlock the mysteries they hold, we will at last begin to put the puzzle pieces together. Perhaps we will learn that Autism is not something to be cured, but something to honor. Perhaps we will learn how to bring these special souls into our world, or better yet how to enter theirs.

"Autism is about having a pure heart and being very sensitive… It is about finding a way to survive in an overwhelming, confusing world… It is about developing differently, in a different pace and with different leaps." ~Trisha Van Berkel


"If I could snap my fingers and be non-autistic, I would not - because then I wouldn't be me. Autism is part of who I am." ~Temple Grandin

"Autism is a way of being. It is pervasive; it colors every experience, every sensation, perception, thought, emotion, and encounter, every aspect of existence. It is not possible to separate the autism from the person." ~Jim Sinclair

It Takes a Village…

I am not easily offended. You can pretty much say anything to me and on occasion I will get mildly defensive, but rarely offended. But today it was suggested to me that I don’t understand what it is like to be a parent. I was given consolation for being a teacher, but not awarded the special status of a mother. And maybe it was just the particular moment or maybe it was just the nature of the conversation, but this point of observation stung me deeply.


I’ve been told by friends that I should have children and that I would make such a great mom. And when I respond by saying that I no longer feel the biological need for kids, I get a curious look, as if I’ve just landed on Earth from another planet.


There was a time when I wanted children. I had the dream that so many women do…I had the instinct to bring life into this world. And had all the right things come together, perhaps I would have done so. I remember precisely the day when I stopped dreaming the dream of motherhood. It was the day when I assumed another important role, the one of becoming a teacher.


I guess the part that offends me is the notion that I am not experiencing the bond or the responsibility that a mother experiences. I experience both every day. I am lucky to get my kids for seven hours…almost the same amount of time a mother spends with her child in a day. In those seven hours, I nurture them, protect them, teach them, build them…same as a mother does. I am trying to do by day what they continue at night…the molding of little feet who take big steps. I would never suggest that my role is as important as that of a mother nor would I say that teaching is as rewarding. But I will suggest that it comes pretty damn close.

When I am not with my kids, I miss them. When they reach milestones, I cry. I want to share every story, every picture, every funny thing they say and I try to hold back because I don’t want to be annoying. I think constantly about their future…about who they will grow up to be. And at the end of the day, I just hope they are happy.


You don’t have to give birth to understand that kind of bond. There are aunts and uncles, godparents, mentors, teachers and friends who all care deeply for children though they have none of their own. If you are a parent, please realize that there are people who are a part of your children’s lives who respect you greatly and only want to help you and your child along the journey.

Scatter Pieces of Yourself.

“It is not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you lived.”


I love to take long walks on a beautiful day. There is something about the sun and the grass and the birds chirping…the sounds of people working in their yards. The calmness allows my mind to reflect and inevitably on every walk I experience an epiphany of some kind.


Today I was thinking about my life and the long journey that has led me here. I was thinking about how many things have changed and how looking back I can see the small events that slowly melted together to create a cosmic shift in my thinking and feeling. And I wonder sometimes if it’s all just part of getting older and wiser and that everyone experiences this shift.


Yet at other times, I sense a real purpose for these events, as if the universe was conspiring on my behalf. I look at people that I have met and how they came into my life at such a critical time. I look at relationships that failed and how those experiences gave me great insight. I consider the strange occurrences and spooky coincidences that lead me to believe someone out there is sending me a message.


It may sound somewhat arrogant to think that my life holds some special purpose. I mean, who am I to have that kind of power? I’m just a little girl walking around in an adult body with all the false optimism of my youth. I sometimes fear thinking too highly of myself…afraid I will crash and burn and suddenly realize that my life holds absolutely no meaning, just a tangled mess of thoughts. But then I think, who am I NOT to have a purpose. Why would I think that I am powerless? Why do I constantly build myself up only to tear myself down?


I talked to someone today, yet another person who seems to have appeared at a critical time, who made me realize that we are all just trying to do our best in this world. But there is no road map for the journey and we are all just a little afraid of our own power. Marianne Williamson can express this much more eloquently when she says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”


I have spent years of my life struggling with both the light and dark in myself. But the shift I am feeling now is toward the light. I feel as though the universe is telling me to grab onto that light and let it shine wherever I go. So I am trying to take all the self-doubt I have and fold it up and pack it away. I know I can never be completely rid of it but doubt serves the purpose of us trying to prove it wrong.


As I get older and realize that life is getting shorter, I’ve made a conscious decision to follow the light and to no longer allow it to frighten me. I may still have my dark moments and occasional bouts with insecurity but hopefully I can let them come and pass like an itch and not engage the thought with a scratch.


How amazing the world would be if we all believed in our hearts that we had both purpose and power. How amazing if we all had the courage to follow our own light. I used to think “I’m only one person…how can I possibly change the world?” But we are not just one person. Everything we do and say leaves an imprint, whether it be in someone else’s mind, or by an action that we take or just by the energy we put into the world. We are always scattering pieces of ourselves. We are always creating change. We just need to decide what kind of change we want that to be.