In my last blog I posed the question, “What is the meaning of life?” The same question is on my profile. I thought it only fitting to devote a blog to the answer, at least MY answer. Each of us has a different answer and they fall across a beautiful spectrum, sometimes known, sometimes not, sometimes merely waiting for us to find it.I had searched many years for that answer, as if it would just present itself one day. I found that it is not the answer that need be sought, but the question. It’s was not ‘the meaning of life,’ it was ‘the meaning of my life’ that needed to be asked. I remember the day I posed that question to myself and suddenly realized there were no gods who were going to magically speak, there was no sign that would appear, the answer was not in a book somewhere. After that question and the series of reflections that subsequently followed, I found my world turned upside down and I was, for the second time in my life, haphazardly wandering my way through musty college halls in search for my own purpose.
I had no idea what I would do or who I would be when I decided to go back to school. I had no real action plan, no definitive course. I only knew I loved psychology and would hope to find something there—some calling I had not yet heard. To make a long journey short, I finally stumbled onto my path. I wish I could say it all happened more eloquently than that—that I had a dream and made it happen—but the truth is, I did not find the answer to my calling. It found me.
I am a Special Education Teacher. This year is my third year teaching. My educational background is in Autism Spectrum Disorders but I have taught children with a wide diversity of disabilities. I teach in a self-contained classroom, which means that my kids are not capable of participating in the general curriculum but need extensive one and one supervision and assistance. My kids range from moderately to profoundly intellectually disabled. I teach kids who are 9-12 years of age, some are in wheel chairs, some are not; some can use the bathroom independently and some are still in diapers. Some can eat and others are tube fed. Some speak and others are completely non-verbal.
It was not something I ever imagined I would do. Now I know it is what I came here to do. People tell me all the time, “I don’t know how you do it,” or “it takes a special person to do what you do.” And the truth is, I never knew that I could do it. Now, I can’t imagine my life without these children. I feel a strong sense that we were meant to be together, these children and me. When I first began teaching I was terrified and I did not know if I would have the strength or the patience to do it. I did not know if I would have the stomach or the guts to do it. But something happened to me when I saw their little faces, held their little hands. I knew almost instantly that this is where I belong. If in my life I have no money, no great success—if I have no love or personal happiness, I will have no regrets nor feel any sorrow because I know who it is that I was meant to be.
It has not been an easy journey for me and the path I follow is constantly spitting up dirt in my face. There are daily challenges, tests of willpower, holding tightly to threads of patience. For laughable pay, I am asked to do things that so many will not. But as these beautiful children are my champions, so must I be a champion for them. We need each other and at last, we have found each other.
If you feel like you are not living your own life’s purpose, don’t be afraid to seek the answer to your meaning. Don’t feel as if you need to have a plan or a direction before you set upon your journey. Just go out there and follow what feels right and trust in yourself. You will find your path.
“I took the road less traveled and it has made all the difference.”
~ Robert Frost
A poem for my kids….
Sweet innocence
never lost
your life
you live
in
moments.
No dreams
to disappoint
you
no memories
of
regret.
People think
it such a
shame
how little
do they
know.
With every
smile
and every
hug
with every
sound of
laughter
You lift
me up
you give
me reason
that my
life has a
meaning.
I was on
a winding
road
heading
nowhere
fast.
Then I
found you
You took
my hand
together
forever
at last.
