Scatter Pieces of Yourself.

“It is not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you lived.”


I love to take long walks on a beautiful day. There is something about the sun and the grass and the birds chirping…the sounds of people working in their yards. The calmness allows my mind to reflect and inevitably on every walk I experience an epiphany of some kind.


Today I was thinking about my life and the long journey that has led me here. I was thinking about how many things have changed and how looking back I can see the small events that slowly melted together to create a cosmic shift in my thinking and feeling. And I wonder sometimes if it’s all just part of getting older and wiser and that everyone experiences this shift.


Yet at other times, I sense a real purpose for these events, as if the universe was conspiring on my behalf. I look at people that I have met and how they came into my life at such a critical time. I look at relationships that failed and how those experiences gave me great insight. I consider the strange occurrences and spooky coincidences that lead me to believe someone out there is sending me a message.


It may sound somewhat arrogant to think that my life holds some special purpose. I mean, who am I to have that kind of power? I’m just a little girl walking around in an adult body with all the false optimism of my youth. I sometimes fear thinking too highly of myself…afraid I will crash and burn and suddenly realize that my life holds absolutely no meaning, just a tangled mess of thoughts. But then I think, who am I NOT to have a purpose. Why would I think that I am powerless? Why do I constantly build myself up only to tear myself down?


I talked to someone today, yet another person who seems to have appeared at a critical time, who made me realize that we are all just trying to do our best in this world. But there is no road map for the journey and we are all just a little afraid of our own power. Marianne Williamson can express this much more eloquently when she says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”


I have spent years of my life struggling with both the light and dark in myself. But the shift I am feeling now is toward the light. I feel as though the universe is telling me to grab onto that light and let it shine wherever I go. So I am trying to take all the self-doubt I have and fold it up and pack it away. I know I can never be completely rid of it but doubt serves the purpose of us trying to prove it wrong.


As I get older and realize that life is getting shorter, I’ve made a conscious decision to follow the light and to no longer allow it to frighten me. I may still have my dark moments and occasional bouts with insecurity but hopefully I can let them come and pass like an itch and not engage the thought with a scratch.


How amazing the world would be if we all believed in our hearts that we had both purpose and power. How amazing if we all had the courage to follow our own light. I used to think “I’m only one person…how can I possibly change the world?” But we are not just one person. Everything we do and say leaves an imprint, whether it be in someone else’s mind, or by an action that we take or just by the energy we put into the world. We are always scattering pieces of ourselves. We are always creating change. We just need to decide what kind of change we want that to be.