Only Words

I could have been
Different
If I really tried.
I could have been
Better,
Stronger,
Smarter.
I could have been
More
Forgiving…
I could have
Understood
More than
I did.
I look at it all
With my
Emotion;
I forget who I am.
She is trying,
Trying to get there;
We are all just
Passers-by…
It starts with a nod
A humble
Submission
You know not a thing.
But here creeps the need
For understanding
And a language yet
Unknown.
Read me.
Believe me.
Throw me out.
I am only words.

1-16-2012

imperfect

It’s funny how
far away
you can get
from yourself

so much so that
you are
unrecognizable
in the mirror

you let them
mold you
into what
they want
you to be

let them tell
you who
you are

and you go
along

maybe because
you’re tired
maybe because
you’re insecure

maybe because
they stopped
looking at
you

and then one
Saturday
someone stops
it all

pushes pause
on the movie
of your
life

stops you
looks at you
and says
yes, this will do

I always knew
I was special
always knew
I was beautiful

never knew
anyone really
noticed

and to know you
see this in me
lets me know
there’s so much
in you

real and raw
it feels so
right

to be
imperfect
in your arms.

lover's afternoon

there’s a pool of sweat
between your heart
and mine
remnants from
the love me made
and the lawn mower
buzzes
outside the window
yet the world is so
far away
the dog barks
and steals the peace
of a lover’s afternoon
and the clock ticks
the minutes away
soon the world
will be closer
but now the rain
begins to fall
hushing the dogs and
the gardeners
so we retreat
back to the peace
the world can wait

for tomorrow.

My Guardian Angel

She had an air about her
Some mystery unknown
And everyone wanted to
Touch her
But no one could reach her

She stood so high above
Us all
And we loved her
Like no one could love her
I, most of all

And we secretly
Wondered
What it would be like
To hold her close
Safe from harm
To be the one to save her
From whatever it was
She was running from

And I swear, one time
Our eyes met
And for a moment
The moment was real
Infinite, Eternal
But then it was gone

I long to return someday
To that moment in time
When all the world stood
Quiet and still
And she was the only one

Who Existed.

Ani

If I could, I’d say it like Ani
Bold and cold with force
No fears
Look you in the eye
No tears
But I am too timid
I am too shy
I am still too weak
I cry
For someone to hold me
For someone to mold me
Into something I want to be
Because I can’t remember who I am
And the cold wind slaps my face
As I try to run this race
But I fall behind every time
I can see the finish line
But I can’t reach it
You have to help me
I can’t help myself
I want to scream
Forget the dream
When you and I were together
In love that lasts forever
That was bullshit
I stop and sit
I refuse to run anymore
What would Ani do
when colors fade away?
I can hear her turn and say
Get your ass up girl
The world ain’t black and white
But a 1,000 shades of grey
And you ain’t giving up
You are going all the way
‘Cause all you got is yourself
And the dreams that wake you
Let your own feet take you
And she’d be right
I stand and fight
The wind, the rain
This haunting pain
In my feet, how sweet

To cross the finish line.

The me and you of it...

painting by Kazuya Akimoto



This is the me
and the you
of it

An entanglement
of souls
haphazardly
making our
way through
a fucked up
world

This is the truth
and the heart
of it

The feeling that
you are
alone and
misunderstood
left yourself
in a deep black
hole

This is the strange
and the bizarre
of it

That life keeps
presenting
it’s mystery
keeps you guessing
the rules of the
game

It can be what you want
it to be
It can be what you need
it to be

But only once
to examining eyes
can it ever be
exactly
what it is.

The Hours

The workings of your mind
Amaze me
The way they twist and
Turn

Connections made
The neurons fire
Life…
An action potential

But there
Underneath the
Wheels
Is a gently beating
Heart

Asking to be
Held
Asking to be
Understood.

I understand.

You think so
Much
Don’t think it all
Away

You’ll miss the
Seconds,
Minutes,
The moments…

You’ll miss the

Hours.

It just is.

The faces of people come and go
Like the moon at the end of night
How you forget that it is there
Until you see it once again

And there is something so
Familiar
As if you were the moon

And I see you and
Suddenly
I Know.

What is this misunderstanding
In such a moment of clarity?

Like an abstract picture
So foreign
Then at once
So moving.

I’m lost at what you
do to me
I’m lost at who you
are.

But I feel your heart
beating.
And I feel the warmth
of your tender stare…

And what I would give
To let you know
The ways in which I love you…

It’s not what you think
There is no understanding

It is not the past
or the present
or the future…

It just is.

Something so innocent...

something so innocent as a
childish crush
at once becomes the
deepest longing
your world beyond
windows with
long white drapes like
heaven
and i dance…
but i cannot hear the tune
that is playing
on a piano with no keys
look at me from across
the room
here i am at my table
looking at you
but what do you see
when you look at me and i
am looking…
so young is my spirit
so young is my soul
so young to still think that
i can have anything
and you are everything,
i swear it
but i am nothing
just a girl who is funny
perhaps a trip for your ego
or maybe you don’t know how
i think of you
between these cups of coffee.

another one from the archives

The Tide

Photograph by Clark Little

Crashing in
Rushing out
Like the tide
You come and
go

And like the
steady sand
I wait
quiet and
inviting

Shining light
Then burning
out
I absorbed
too much
of you

And you were left
dark and dry
and I was left
alone.

I’m missing you
tonight
like I did
when you
were here

And I hope
you’ll come
crashing back
to the steady
shore.

There is a
place
where lights
burn bright
reflecting
from the
water

And there is a
place
where the
shore awaits
the calming
of the

tide.

So what IS the meaning of life anyway: Part 2

In my last blog I posed the question, “What is the meaning of life?” The same question is on my profile. I thought it only fitting to devote a blog to the answer, at least MY answer. Each of us has a different answer and they fall across a beautiful spectrum, sometimes known, sometimes not, sometimes merely waiting for us to find it.

I had searched many years for that answer, as if it would just present itself one day. I found that it is not the answer that need be sought, but the question. It’s was not ‘the meaning of life,’ it was ‘the meaning of my life’ that needed to be asked. I remember the day I posed that question to myself and suddenly realized there were no gods who were going to magically speak, there was no sign that would appear, the answer was not in a book somewhere. After that question and the series of reflections that subsequently followed, I found my world turned upside down and I was, for the second time in my life, haphazardly wandering my way through musty college halls in search for my own purpose.

I had no idea what I would do or who I would be when I decided to go back to school. I had no real action plan, no definitive course. I only knew I loved psychology and would hope to find something there—some calling I had not yet heard. To make a long journey short, I finally stumbled onto my path. I wish I could say it all happened more eloquently than that—that I had a dream and made it happen—but the truth is, I did not find the answer to my calling. It found me.

I am a Special Education Teacher. This year is my third year teaching. My educational background is in Autism Spectrum Disorders but I have taught children with a wide diversity of disabilities. I teach in a self-contained classroom, which means that my kids are not capable of participating in the general curriculum but need extensive one and one supervision and assistance. My kids range from moderately to profoundly intellectually disabled. I teach kids who are 9-12 years of age, some are in wheel chairs, some are not; some can use the bathroom independently and some are still in diapers. Some can eat and others are tube fed. Some speak and others are completely non-verbal.

It was not something I ever imagined I would do. Now I know it is what I came here to do. People tell me all the time, “I don’t know how you do it,” or “it takes a special person to do what you do.” And the truth is, I never knew that I could do it. Now, I can’t imagine my life without these children. I feel a strong sense that we were meant to be together, these children and me. When I first began teaching I was terrified and I did not know if I would have the strength or the patience to do it. I did not know if I would have the stomach or the guts to do it. But something happened to me when I saw their little faces, held their little hands. I knew almost instantly that this is where I belong. If in my life I have no money, no great success—if I have no love or personal happiness, I will have no regrets nor feel any sorrow because I know who it is that I was meant to be.

It has not been an easy journey for me and the path I follow is constantly spitting up dirt in my face. There are daily challenges, tests of willpower, holding tightly to threads of patience. For laughable pay, I am asked to do things that so many will not. But as these beautiful children are my champions, so must I be a champion for them. We need each other and at last, we have found each other.

If you feel like you are not living your own life’s purpose, don’t be afraid to seek the answer to your meaning. Don’t feel as if you need to have a plan or a direction before you set upon your journey. Just go out there and follow what feels right and trust in yourself. You will find your path.

“I took the road less traveled and it has made all the difference.”
~ Robert Frost

A poem for my kids….

Sweet innocence
never lost
your life
you live
in
moments.

No dreams
to disappoint
you
no memories
of
regret.

People think
it such a
shame
how little
do they
know.

With every
smile
and every
hug
with every
sound of
laughter

You lift
me up
you give
me reason
that my
life has a
meaning.

I was on
a winding
road
heading
nowhere
fast.

Then I
found you
You took
my hand
together
forever
at last.

Being You

The painting on the wall is so familiar
Yet I stand looking in awe as if I’ve never
Seen such beauty before.

And maybe it’s just that it came from you
But it moved me as I was looking
Made me wish that I could stand inside your head
As you were painting.

To know what you were thinking,
To feel what you were feeling,
To see what you saw from the first
Stroke of your brush…

You are a wonder to me
And you confuse me
Your simplicity,
Your complexity;
Your wonder and
Your depth.

And just when I think I know
Who you are
You surprise me
By being you.

~ 2008

I'm at the bar

I’m at the bar
waiting for my drink
Amaretto Stone Sour
without the cherry
the straw is thin
the ice is cold
the glass is sweating
beads of crystal clear
wetness trickle down
you are near me
near enough to touch
and so I do
with my body
I press against you
your crooked smile
and see-through stare
give me an invitation
to dance
we move, entangled
like the smoke from my
cigarette
I can feel your heart
beating while mine
I feel breaking
like the glass
that holds my drink
I’m shattered in pieces
left on the floor
for you to collect and
repair.

Sooner or Later

Sooner or later on some perfect day
You will realize that you’ve left yourself behind –
Forgotten who you were,
Until a haircut or a brand new shirt
Reminds you of some deep inner passion
And suddenly the concern of being on time
Or having neatly pressed pants no longer matters
You want to be the life of the party
And the hostess at the same time
You want them to applaud you, worship you, admire you
But you soon realize that what you were is what you are

And you long to be held, securely fastened in gentle arms
Even if they must be your own.

written in 1993
with renewed meaning today

Mesmerized

I’m watching you from across the room
And I know you know
I’m watching…

I’m feeling you from the inside
And I know you know
What I’m feeling…

Connection
Energy

An imagined
Touch

Longing and
Waiting

And then your hand
Slips softly into mine
Fingers interlocking
Souls intertwined…

You are magical
Like the stars
And the fire

And I am mesmerized…

Hold my hand
Kiss my lips
And let me into
Your world…

The Coffeehouse

The Coffeehouse

The flame from a match
Seems bigger than me
And lingers longer
Than inspiration
When after a long day
The cold sets in
I go out searching
But always end up here
And I ask myself…
Why?

I pour my soul into an
Empty coffee cup
Watching my life pass by
Wishing I could catch the tail
Of some dream
But I wait, I tell myself
There’s always another ride…

And the stars in the sky
Melt together so that
I can’t even find one to
Call my own
But the night still
Comes to me
Through some cosmic will
And those stars still
Light up the sky
To offer hope

As long as there is still
Ink left in my pen,
Still napkins to write on
Still black coffee to
Keep me alive
Still your beauty to make
The time worthwhile
I will write…
I will search…
I will smile…
And I will find
Somewhere in the night
My star.